Our Try at Yarn Hair Extensions

Given I finally had some time on my hands this last month I decided to give yarn hair extensions a try. The girls look great in them and love tossing their hair around. The black yarn is nearly indistinguishable from Vanessa's hair. Tensae's hair is a bit of a lighter brown then the black yarn but you really have to look close at her hair to notice the difference. I will have to go to the craft store to see if I can match her hair up a bit better. Also the first time I tried this with Tensae's hair I did not use rubber bands at he scalp and sure enough her hair frizzed out in only a week. I was super disappointed as other mom's claimed the style lasted a month or more on their daughter's hair. So on the second round of doing her extensions I did use bands at the scalp as well as a stronger pomade to help reduce the frizzies. You can do the extensions with twists or braids. I went with braids as both of their hair seems to last longer before frizzing out with twists as opposed to braids. We are doing a lot swimming this summer, so I put two swim caps on each one to protect the style from the chlorine and water. They kinda end up looking like cone heads and neither one minds as long as they keep their precious hair in tact!

Here are the pics of the process the first time I tried it with Tensae and some follow up pics of both in their new styles. I got the directions from this great blog: http://www.chocolatehairvanillacare.com/2011/01/yarn-twist-extensions-exercise-in.html

Tensae's hair, all natural; washed, untangled and combed:

The yarn, cut and ready to go, I used two pieces per twist (check out the link for specific instructions):

Looking good so far! You can see I used much longer pieces of yarn so that I could later cut it to be even:

Here she is with the extensions in before I trimmed them as this was way to long:

You can see that the ends give it away that they are yarn and not hair so they need to be burned:

This is what they look like after being burned, still not the same as hair, but less obvious:

Vanessa's extensions, her natural hair is shorter, so we went with shorter extensions:

You can see in this pic, what I mean by Tensae's natural hair frizzing out early:

Support for Breastfeeding Moms

While there may not be some things that you like in the new Health Care Bill I try to look for the positive and there are many. I am relieved to know that my nephew who has hemophilia will not be denied medical coverage when he caps out on his current coverage. Under the new bill insurance companies have to eliminate lifetime caps on coverage. They also will eliminate pre-existing conditions, meaning that both my husband and I who have had minor medical diagnosis cannot be denied medical coverage if we ever have to obtain private insurance. I was told that a private insurance company can deny me for having a prior C-section and multiple miscarriages. And did you know that a private insurance company will not cover a woman if she is already pregnant? Thus if she makes to much for Medicaid and her employer does not offer health insurance or she is unemployed then well she and her baby are just out of luck. That to will change under the Healthcare Bill. Yes, there are folks who say I don't want to have to pay for the uninsured but you are already paying. For example, where we live our hospital is the most expensive in the region. Not because it is the most state of the art, but because we have the highest number of uninsured people who show up at the emergency room so that they cannot be denied care. That means that I pay with higher charges at the hospital and higher insurance premiums. There is also clear research in the field of medical and social psychology that wether you like it or not we are all connected. When they look at health among countries and societies, inculding the US, the rich are no more healthy then the poor. SO if we do not support the least of us, we are not supporting ourselves either. This is why Canada and a surprising number of small countries have higher average life expectencies (48 countries rank higher then the US) and infant mortality rates (44 countries rank better then the US in infant survival) then we do. Look for yourself at https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/rankorder/2102rank.html'
and https://www.cia.gov/library/publications/the-world-factbook/rankorder/2091rank.html

O.k., I bet you did not think I was going to take on this controversial issue when you read the title of my message! Honestly, I agree that the plan is not perfect but we need to do something and now is the time. So back to the title. I was not only pleased that the Adoption Tax Credit was included in the Healthcare Bill but so was support for breast feeding moms. The Bill specifically states that employers larger then 50 must provide a safe place for mom's to breastpump that is not a bathroom. Yeah! I remember how awkward it was when I went back to work and tried to pump for my son. I gave up after only a few weeks. If I ever have another biological child or adopt a young enough infant I would definately try breastfeeding again. For a good article on the topic check out CNN health at http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/04/09/breast.feeding.society/index.html?hpt=C2

The Best Estimate of Correct Age?

Well there is not one, but I do have a personal theory. Just a little note of caution, if your pediatrician does not have extensive experience in international adoption they will think your child is healthy and completely on track with their development as long as they are in the size range of the age that the adoption records indicate. The problem is what if the adoption records are wrong? I posted a long time ago about this issue with our daughter from Ethiopia. Our doc at the time thought she looked great and was exactly the age that we were told she was. Well, he was completely wrong. After multiple developmental evaluations, a burst in growth from good nutrition, and exams from the dentist we learned that she was at least 2 years older then we were told. I am glad I questioned it and did my research and did not back down, because she is now a happy well adjusted kindergartner who looks, acts, and thinks just like a typical 6 year old child. I cannot imagine if we had trusted the doctor, she would still be in preschool and would be towering over her peers and most likely extremely frustrated socially and intellectually. It is any wonder that early puberty is a phenomenon in internationally adopted girls?

So back to my original point of this post. Based on my own observations of each of my adopted children upon coming home and the results of the developmental evaluations that they received, the best predictor of their actual age was their fine motor skills. Fine motor skills are things like the ability to hold a pencil, unlock a child safety lock, pick up small objects and so forth. Now you would initially think that this would be a delayed area of development in a child who has lived in an orphanage but if you think about it it is not an area of development highly affected my malnutrition like physical size and gross motor skills are. Also even if a child is stuck to a physically confined space they most likely are going to explore things with there hands. Also children living in orphanages have to develop adaptive skills to care for themselves and this is where fine motor skills can develop while other areas may be delayed. So I would highly recommend that if you are trying to evaluate your child's age to meet with an occupational therapist. This is the specialist who assesses fine motor skills (as well as sensory issues, an area that your child probably will have some concerns in) and there are tests that can be done at a very young age to determine their standardized as well as comparative age when looking at what is the typical ability level of same age peers. An evaluation from an experienced OT can be obtained through any outpatient hospital OT department, an internationally adoption clinic, or you can receive a free developmental screening through your local school district.

One test that I do not trust because it was wrong for our daughter is a Bone-Age Scan. This is the test that your doctor will recommend to you and it is when they take a picture of the child's wrist and hand. The problem is that the test does not take into consideration the impact of long-term malnutrition on growth and there is plenty of evidence to show that malnutrition will in fact cause delayed growth and in some cases the child will even display a growth hormone deficiency (which our little guy has tested positive for). Also the standard deviation for the bone-age scan is rather large, so no you cannot pinpoint the exact age of your child from this test (regardless of what the doctor tells you). Here is the truth about bone-age scans:

The standards in the Greenish and Pyle Atlas are derived from a study of healthy white middle-class children in the Cleveland area in the United States in the years 1931 to 1942. The study consisted of 6,879 hand radiographs from boys and girls. The ages ranged from 3 months to 16 years for girls and to 17 years for boys at the time of the radiographs. In the Greulich and Pyle Atlas a table is used to provide means and standard deviations for skeletal age1. At the time of its development Greulich and Pyle did not consider the estimation of chronological age as a potential use of their data and Atlas. Their original work was used to identify possible growth disorders, malformations and bone abnormalities.

This info came from a good article about determining chronological age in internationally adopted children written by Cec Pederson, 2004. You can access it on the web at http://eprints.usq.edu.au/3839/1/Pedersen_Chronological_age_determination.pdf

Nightime Diapering Solution and $10 Coupon Code

Our little guy is a super soaker at night and has frequently woken up with a mess when he has a loose stool very early in the morning. I was using a double layer Indian Cotton prefold diaper with two hemp inserts and a diaper cover and it still was not holding it all in. So I did some research and ordered three Fuzzi Bunz Perfect Fit Diapers. They are q super soft diaper, water proof on the outside and micro fleece in the inside. They have a pocket that you put in the super absorbent insert that comes with the diaper. I added two Hemp inserts as well and it was seriously a miracle. No wetting and no poopy leaks in the morning. Fuzzi Bunz also makes a one-size diaper that will fit babies from 8-35 pounds but I went with the perfect fit because it runs larger and will fit him over 45 pounds if he is still bed wetting past potty training.

So if anyone wants to stock up on cloth diapers or other supplies for yourself or as a baby/adoption gift. I received a notice today from Diapers.com that they are running a Valentines special. If you enter my coupon referral code KNEU4359 when you check-out online you can save $10 off your order. That is twice the discount of their typical new customer offer. And you will also be helping me out as I will receive a $10 credit for diapers.com. I sure could use the credit to stock up on some more Fuzzi Bunz which will keep my little guy rash and leak free! We are honestly broke after this last adoption and so anything helps!
Diapers.com also carries BumGenius One Size diapers, G-Diapers, and Kushies as well as disposables and other baby accessories. The special runs through the end of February.

This link takes you straight to their cloth diapers:

http://www.diapers.com/Product/SubCategory.aspx?CategoryId=3&CategoryName=Diapering&SubCategoryId=115&SubCategoryName=Cloth+Diapers&QueryFrom=SUBCATEGORY&PageIndex=1

How to Help After Homecoming

Update: Two wise adoptive moms have left comments to this post. I first want to thank them for backing me up on this information. I have, on occasion, got the sense that some parents did not really like to hear the reality of the hard experiences, so THANK YOU for being honest with your own stories as well. I have copied their comments onto the bottom of this post.

There are nine families on their way home this weekend from Kenya with their beautiful new children from Rwanda. It has been interesting watching their travels as they had a rather different experience then us. Something I have been meaning to blog about is the often not discussed issue of homecoming. Regardless of how easy or difficult a family's time in country obtaining their child is they will experience bumps when they get home. Yes, it is easier for some then others depending on so many factors; the age of the child, the number of children adopted, gender, health, personality, prior quality of care, the children already home and the family's level of preparation prior to travel. There is something called post-adoption depression and I think it is more common then adoptive parents (mainly mothers because they usually are the primary caretakers upon arrival home), want to admit. But the reality is that after 12 months of completing paperwork and background checks and saving and fundraising that homecoming is often not the wonderful, peaceful experience that one might have hoped it to be. A good social worker will educate adoptive parents about this but often no matter how prepared they are it is still dang hard.

At minimum after arriving home the family will be exhausted and jet lagged. Often the adopted kidos may sleep unusually well and not show any problematic behaviors for the first few weeks. But after they recover their energy and get settled the most challenging period of adjustment begins. Again this varies greatly, some families may not have any issues. For sure though if they have welcomed a child over the age of 2 years into their home they are going to have to work through some behaviors and difficult adjustment at times. There are also specific medical issues that need to be dealt with when a child is adopted from Africa such as parasites, GI issues, and malnutrition. If a child has lived in a orphanage for a extended time (more then 6 months) then they probably are going to have developmental delays as well.

So basically what I am saying is that the first few months home are a critical period for the new family and they will need the support and understanding of their family, friends, coworkers and community. At this same time parents will need time to focus on what is called "attachment parenting". If extended family and friends do not understand what that means their can be tension during visits and the relationship between the adoptive family and child can be compromised. Here are some basic recommendations that I am providing to family, friends, coworkers, church members, neighbors, anyone who wants to help a family who has just arrived home with a internationally adopted child (I think it is a bit different for domestic or foster/adopt but you may be able to relate). Some of these we have received and others I wish we would have. I will say though, that it was interesting to me the differences in how people responded to the birth of our son, versus the adoption of our daughter, and then the adoption of our second son. I will let you decide what I might mean by that.

• First and foremost treat everything about the adoption as you would have if the family had given birth. Hold a baby shower, make welcome signs, send them balloons (avoid latex as they are serious choking hazards) or flowers. If you send a gift, wrap it in baby paper or appropriate paper for a older child. This is a time to celebrate the same that you would if the child was a newborn birth child. This may vary by age of the adopted child, but I think that ALL children deserve to be celebrated and I know that the parents would really appreciate the thought. It is a once in a lifetime experience.
• Also really important is to ask them what they need help with, you might be surprised.
• Offer to drop off or pick them up at the airport (airport parking is very expensive)
• Stock their fridge and cupboards just before they get home, you have no idea how good a diet coke (no diet pop their) and fresh vegetables (can't eat fresh vegetables) taste after being in Africa.
• Bring them a hot meal the first night home, even better deliver a hot meal every night for the first week home.
• Clean their house for them or hire someone to do it just before they come home, have it done again a few weeks later (when things really start to get tough).
• Offer to babysit any other children in the home so that they can get some much needed attention and parents can have some one on one with the new one/s.
• Offer to give rides to older children who may need to get to activities.
• If it is winter go shovel their driveway and sidewalks.
• Offer to run errands for the family or to go to the store (Having to take my screaming toddler to the store, and having everyone stare at me has been one of my worst post adoption experiences)
• Simply lend a open ear, encourage the new mom to be open and honest about her feelings and needs. Take her out for a break, a cup of coffee or a nice lunch.
• This one is REALLY important so I am leaving it for last: During any visits that happen in the first few months be respectful of the adoptive parents wishes regarding feeding, holding, and comforting the child. A child who has lived in a orphanage has passed through the hands of MANY caregivers and it is crucial that they learn to go to their new parents as the sole primary caregivers in the beginning. It would not have been normal for our oldest son to jump on the lap of a complete stranger at the age of 2 years and as hard as it is to understand you are a stranger to this child. So just ask the parents what the "rules" are. It may vary by household and how involved you are with the family. My personal preference for this issue is fairly conservative, I did not want anyone else holding, comforting or feeding my adopted kids for the first two months home. Especially for my son since we went through a period of him rejecting having a mommy. For a toddler in particular, if the parent has taken something away from the kido and they start screaming it would not be o.k. for a different person to then confuse the child by comforting him or her. You see what I mean, this can be complicated so if you are not sure just ask.

That certainly is not a extensive list of how to help but I think this got long enough. Any questions? Feel free to leave a comment and I will do my best to answer.
Comments:
Kari,
I'm a new reader to your blog. Congratulations on your family. You hit the nail on the head with this post. The adopted child has to learn to love and trust their new parents. The experience isn't a Hallmark card. It's hard. Very hard.
We adopted our son from Guatemala three years ago. The first few months home, we limited visitors and outings outside the home. We kept his world small. We also held him all the time. All. The. Freakin. Time. Skin-to-skin contact is so important. So is fostering eye contact.
Our "rules" upset a lot of people, including grandparents. But it had to be done and I kept myself from letting guilt beat down my resolve.
Moms and dad, especially moms, expect angels singing on high. We've grown to love this child in our hearts and it's so hard when the child rejects his new mommy and displays typical, normal, totally appropriate adjustment behaviors. Add illnesses and jet lag on top of it all and the entire family is in for a ride.
What I had to learn was that this was not about me. This was not about me not being a good mom or my son rejecting me as his caregiver.
The child is scared out of his wits. Everything changed in a blink of an eye and he or she can't communicate. Smell, taste, language, everything is different. Of course he's going to freak. I would, too.
I hope all perspective adoptive parents educate themselves about what the first three months home will be like. I hope they tell their families the rules for attachment. And I hope they have support. Sometimes a new mom needs to call another mom who's been there for a hug, a good cry or the chance to get out of the house.
Thank you!

Thanks for the helpful suggestions on how to support parents post adoption. I wish I had the list and given it to my friends and family before bringing our children home! Though people were for the most part very supportive, there was a marked difference between how my bio son was welcomed and how his adopted siblings were. I would like to give the benefit of doubt and believe it was because it was not my first child, the novelty had worn off, but I think I have a suspicion people would have been more helpful if I was adding three bio infants within three months of each other. I certainly needed more support then, than when I had my first, but I certainly got more support with my first. I think it is so hard for non-adoptive friends and family to really get that for an adoptive parent, the adopted child is just as longed for, wanted and loved as bio children. I am more sensitive now to the needs of adoptive parents and I am always looking for opportunities to be a support in the first few weeks home.

Must Read Medical Information

If you are adopting a child from any country in Africa this is a must read article. When you are done you will probably know more then your child's doctor. At least that was the case for us with our daughter from Ethiopia and now we are going through round two of trying to make the doctors understand just how disturbing my son's recurrent loose stools are and what tests we still need to have done to explore all options. I am also trying to argue the point that maybe it would not hurt to go ahead and treat for some things given the risk of latent issues that may not be showing up on stool samples. Apparently there just are not that many kids around adopted from African countries, even with the continued surge in Ethiopian adoptions so your doc may need a little help. The specific parasite that we finally identified in our daughter almost a year after she had been home, because we would not accept her very high eosinophil levels in her bloodwork, is quoted right in the article as something to look for.

"Parasites commonly found in the water and food in orphanages include Giardia, tapeworm, roundworm, pinworm (Enterobius vermicularis), Cryptosporidium parvum, Entamoeba histolytica, Ascaris lumbricoides, Hymenolepis nana, and Dientamoeba fragilis. Eosinophilia (increased numbers of Eosinophils in the blood count) can be related to parasitic infection, but it is related to many other medical conditions i.e. asthma, allergy. If issues persist despite negative tests or after treatment, the doctor should look for some of the parasites that don't easily show up in stool, esp. Strongyloides, Schistosomiasis, and Filariasis."

We however had to drive all the way to the Denver Children's Hospital to get the correct test completed. O.k. enough venting. The article was written by Dr. Jane Aronson, the "orphan doctor" and founder of the World Orphans Foundation, who also just received the Glamour Woman of the Year Award. Anyways while it is written specific to Ethiopian adopted kids, the information is similarly relevant to any child adopted from another African country. Here you go, happy reading: http://www.orphandoctor.com/medical/regional/ethiopia/index.html
Oh yeah, if you want to know just what a child's stinky stool is like, just come on over to my house.

Health and Growth of Internationally Adopted Children

Because there are many families awaiting court next week to go get their children in Rwanda I thought I would share some info on determining your child's growth and development. The children residing at Home of Hope Orphanage in Kigali, Rwanda have all been abandoned thus their age is guessed at when they are brought to the orphanage. The younger the child the easier this of course is but there can still be mistakes in paperwork that may give you a birthdate that is off. Since you only receive the results of recent medical testing and no info regarding prior health history, I asked specifically for any records documenting our son's growth while at Home of Hope. They were able to give me a record in which his height and weight had been documented every month since he had arrived at the orphanage. His first record was in November 2007 and he weighed 14 pounds at intake. Based on his facial picture and weight at the time it was predicted that he was around 9 months of age. I think that is probably the minimun that he could have been given his facial features and the report that he was crawling when found. So I was surprised to see that his birthdate given on the Rwanda court records which resulted in his Rwandan birth certificate have him being born in November 2007, the month that he was brought to the orphanage. Not a huge deal as far as when he will start school, being a boy it will probably be better for him to start later, but it makes a huge difference when I look up his growth on any of the various height and weight growth charts. This was a aha moment for me. At age 33 months he only hits the 25th percentile for height and he is not even on the chart for weight, not even the lowest 5th percentile. So how could that be? When I translated his growth progress on the chart to US measurements he has not made steady growth over the last two years. He would sometimes gain weight, sometimes not at all, and sometimes loose from month to month. A malnourished diet could definitely be a explanation but more likely the up and down growth may be related to illness and parasites. So we are requesting a full battery of tests to invetigate every possible parasite that a child from Africa may have (learned that you need to demand this to your doctor after dealing with unidentified medical needs with our daughter). Why does this all matter so much to me? Well I think it is important to be able to assess how a kido is doing developmentally when they have spent a extended amount of time in a orphanage. He will most likely need some help to catch up to his peers. What I have observed in my daughter is that she regressed a bit after coming home and really needed to re-experience some of those early developmental periods with us as her parents. Once she was settled in with us she then made very quick physical and developmental growth the first year home but now some specific areas seemed to have stalled and we are needing some more work to do. I don't want to worry adoptive parents to much. It is very important to be optimistic and to know that children are amazingly resilient but you also have to balance out reality so that you can give them the help that they need. Sometimes that takes some extra investigation.

Hair and Skin Care Tips

Here is some info I put together when I was asked and so I thought I would also share it here with other soon to be adoptive parents.

When hair is very short (a few inches):
You will not need much for hair care while their hair is short. My daily routine when Tensae's hair was very short was just to spritz it with a combination of water and oil in a spray bottle (1 part oil to ten parts water, use a natural oil like pure olive oil or almond oil or you can buy a oil mix in the AA hair section). Then comb it with a soft bristle brush to smooth it out. If there are tangles use a comb, but buy the widest tooth comb you can find or it will hurt and pull at their hair. Avoid anything with gel or petroleum on the scalp because it clogs their pores and can cause problems. If the scalp is dry then rub a few drops of oil directly onto the scalp every few days but you do not want to overdue the oil thing either. Only wash their hair one time a week because it will dry it out otherwise.

Our current routine now that her hair is longer (8 inches +):
Once a week we comb it out and wash it. The routine consists of:
taking out any pony puffs, twists, or braids.
I rub oil on her scalp and into the dry ends
Wet her hair and apply a conditioning shampoo
Gently massage and rinse
Then I apply a detangling solution
Using a WIDE tooth comb and holding the hair at the scalp to avoid pulling I gently comb out the tangles (we still get tears often)
Then apply a high quality conditioner and let it sit for 5 minutes or so under a towel
Rinse and then take two strands in sections and twist together to avoid the hair tangling again
Some mom's find it easier to braid if they have blowdryed the hair but I prefer to work with it when it is very wet so I do not dry
Rub oil on scalp again and rub in
Use a hair lotion (leave in conditioner) and comb in using a bristle brush
Then use a hair styling creme to put in pony puffs, twists, braids, etc
If I leave it out natural then every morning I spray with a oil/water combo, put in hair conditioner and picked it out into a puff

Tips:
* Every night she sleeps with a silk hair scarf so as to preserve the hair style and reduce frizzing
* MUST wear a swim cap when swimming as chlorine frys her hair immediately, I also spray on a swimmers spray conditioner onto her hair under the swim cap
* I would recommend buying a book to learn about styles, there are many on Amazon.com
* Some AA haircare books recommend combing the hair out when it is dry but this did not work for us, we had more breakage when it was dry and way fewer tears if I comb it out when wet and full of detangling solution
* Stay away from products that contain mineral oil and/or petroleum as much as possible
*Stay away from thick pomades in the AA hair section, I could not get the stuff washed out of my daughters hair and it made it nearly impossible to comb out
* Everyone seems to have their favorite hair care products, I think it is trial and error to find out what works for your child's hair

My favorite products:
Shampoo: Pantene for Ethnic Hair (comes in a brown bottle)
Biosilk Therapy Shampoo
Detangling Solution: Biologe Detangling Solution
(This is a miracle worker, I buy the largest bottle)
Conditioner: Infusium 23 conditioning conditioner
(We love it!, Also buy the larges bottle)
Leave in Conditioner: Carol's Daughter Hair Butter
Carol's Daughter Hair Milk
(works good for natural all curly style)
Styling Products: Carol's Daughter Loc Butter
(My favorite, smells great, does not make hair sticky or hard to undo)
Skin Care:
The key with skin care for skin more pigmentation is to keep the skin heavily conditioned. Diet also makes a big difference. I use lotion that contains shea butter. Probably the best on the market is Lubriderm lotion with Shea Butter but it is expensive. I also use a bath wash that contains shea butter but during dry spells I use the Erythromycin soap free wash that is found in the face skin care section. If the skin becomes dry it will look ashy instead of glowing. Be careful of scabs, do not let them pick because skin is more likely to scar. If a scab comes off the skin will be light so keep it heavily moisturized and out of the sun until the pigmentation returns. If it scars the pigmentation will come back lighter or darker then the surrounding skin depending on the depth of the injury. Suntan lotion is a must because yes even dark skin can burn, tan and dry out. My daughter's skin tans in the summer even when I use a 40+ suntan lotion. If all the skin is irritated put oatmeal and milk in the bathtub for a soothing bath soak.

All this hard work pays off, my daughter is strikingly beautiful and I often receives comments on how healthy her hair looks. While she sometimes refers to wanting hair like her classmates, hair that is long and straight, these comments are less now and she is starting to tell me how she wants her hair done (twists, puffs or braids). I am committed to maintaining natural hair for her and then when she is old enough I will let her choose is she wants to straighten. No matter what the most important lesson is that she is proud of herself no matter if she has a bad hair day!

Getting Ready!

I had a busy weekend shopping for our little guy's clothes. I thought I had stored away more of my 8 year old son's toddler clothes but guess I got rid of nearly everything when we moved. So I had fun searching for good deals on little clothes at the outlet mall. My daughter loves shopping and did her best to help find the hangers with number 3 on them. I also have all of our donations organized in bins and am going to start packing them into suitcases. Some families actually check the plastic bins as luggage but it worked well when we used rolling suitcases in Ethiopia. We emptied the donations and refilled the luggage with souvenirs. I also picked up some travel essentials this weekend. I have a list of things in my head that were must have items that we brought with us to Ethiopia. Here are my must have items (of course this is not a complete packing list):

Ear plugs and eye cover (for air plane)
Tylenol PM (for plane ride there and sleepless nights before taking custody)
Chewable Pepto Bismol
Tums
Advil
Eye drops
Thermometer
Small first aide kit
Cooling patches (the ones for migraines that you stick to your skin)
Emergency C
Children's powdered electrolyte mix
Individual sugar free drink mix packets (hard to find diet pop in Ethiopia)
Infant or Children's Tylenol or Motrin
Children's chewable Pepto Bismol
Anti fungal Creme (lots! You will get ringworm somewhere)
Antibacterial spray (the spray works better in high humidity then ointment)
Hydrocortizone creme
Tea tree oil
Sunscreen
Medicated chapstick
Deet bug spray
Individual sealed antibacterial wipes
Hand wipes
Travel kleenex packets
Huggies pre-soaped and disposable washcloths (in the baby bath section)
A heavy shea butter lotion
Ziplock bags
Children's disposable plastic silverware
Children's disposable drink cups
Disposable bibs
Snacks
Lots of dried fruit (to make up for not eating fresh fruit or vegetables)
Children's yogurt/juice drinks to begin restoring the digestive system (in the baby food section)

Best Way to Attach!

I stumbled onto a great blog put together by a fellow Colorado adoptive mom who is in process of adopting from Ethiopia. She developed a blog to highlight Ethiopian related products, but the cool thing is they are all items designed and/or produced by Ethiopian adoptive parents. Check it out at:
http://ethiopiaadoptionshop.blogspot.com/
The best part though is her own store where she sells hand sewn baby slings. They are absolutely beautiful! I am a huge fan of baby slings and baby carriers. As I have said before we even used a sling with our daughter who weighed 30 pounds and was 4 years old. She loved it and I loved it because she was safe and happy. And of course repeated experiences of feeling safe and happy in mom and dad's presence leads to attachment! O.k. so this sling from the store is my absolute favorite. It is made from material from Malawi and reversible. Hmm, do I really need another sling? It is much prettier then my current fleece pouch which has streched out......

You can check out her other slings at: http://www.small-wish.com/

Now I better buy one for myself before she sells out!

Diapers and Dreams

I have made a huge decision. I am now committed to going with cloth diapers. Not only are they better for the environment but also better for our kidos bottoms. So I have been investigating and asking around and have come up with three options that we will use depending on what we are up to and what the diaper situation is. All three options are definitely not what would be considered traditional cloth diapering. The first and closest to what people think of as cloth diapers are 6-ply prefold cloth diapers which I will cover with diaper covers. These are very absorbent.
The second system will be the Bumgenius All-in-One One size fits all cloth diapers. These come with inserts that are removed and washed and very easy to use.

The third system will be the G-Diapers which are not entirely cloth, as they utilize a absorbent insert which is fully biodegradable and flushable. They will come in handy when we are out and about.
So of course I had to explain all of this to my husband and funny thing he woke up this morning and told me that he had a vivid dream that we had four children, with the youngest being our little ones from Rwanda. They were a boy and a girl, both younger then we expected and of course we ran out of diapers. I must have concerned him with all this diaper talk!

Staying Connected Internationally

When we travel we plan to bring our 8 year old son with, while our 6 year old daughter will be staying at our house with grandma and grandpa (I will blog about this decision another time because I know it is one that many families face). Thus it is REALLY important to me that we are able to stay connected no matter where we are. There are about three good options for calling home while out of country. When we were in Ethiopia we had cell phone service with T-Mobile. Since most of their phones are global ready we just called T-Mobile before we traveled and had them flip a invisible switch to make our phones capable of calls internationally. So this is option number 1 and we used this as our back-up plan because the charges were upwards of $3 a minute. Thankfully the CHSFS guesthouse that we were staying at had a computer with internet access so we emailed home updates every day. They also provided calling option number 2, which was unlocked international cell phones for which we purchased SIM cards in Addis Ababa and used those to call home (just like a calling card in the US). The SIM cards were way cheaper and I think came out to something like a dollar a minute. So I have been going over our options this time because I am not sure that we will be at a hotel or guesthouse in Rwanda and Ethiopia which will have these things readily available. We have also been looking at getting new cell phones and switching our provider (long story and it made me crazy going over all the options for phones and plans with all the different providers). We have settled on the Samsung Solstice with AT&T. You can get the phone for free if you start a new AT&T plan through Amazon.com (I know, I know you would think I am a rep for them). We decided on this phone because it is global and web ready, has a camera and video camera and decent battery life. Plus the unlimited data plan is only $15 a month compared to $30 for the I-Pod or Blackberry. O.k. so back to the point, the cell phone will actually again be our back-up plan as At&T charges $2.50 a minute for calls from Rwanda and $3.50 a minute for calls from Ethiopia. We also will not use the data service on our phone when in Africa because international rates for data are astounding. If you own a I-Pod or other smart cell phone they recommend that you temporary disable the internet service so that you do not get charged. BUT, if you have a cell phone or netbook that has WIFi service then you can use the internet for free if you are at a WiFi hot spot such as at the airport, some hotels, and coffee shops. So I found a great deal on a mini Acer Netbook which we will be able to obtain Internet connection when at hot spots and the kids can watch movies on it. But back to making cheap calls, we are keeping our old cell phones and getting them "unlocked" so that we will be able to buy SIM cards while in Rwanda and Ethiopia to make cheap calls home every day. The 3rd option for calling cheaply is if you do have a I-Phone or a Windows capable cell phone then you can get SKYPE.

Ergo!

I found a used Ergo Carrier in good condition and the nice mother who I bought it from was willing to negotiate on the price, plus when I told her we were adopting she threw in some boys clothes and cloth diapers. What a deal! When I got home I tried it out with my daughter and yes it actually holds a 40 pound, just turned 6, little girl! And even at that weight it is amazingly comfortable, I can't even carry her in our frame backpack but in the Ergo her weight is evenly distributed on my hips. She thought it was great and immediately wanted to go to sleep on my back. Of course I did not buy it for her, but hey what a awesome bonding activity. For anyone adopting a toddler or bigger infant, I would highly recommend a Ergo Baby Carrier!

What's in a Name?

We are half way into our wait for our referral and one of the things I am anxious to learn is the names of our children. Why is this a big deal to me? Well because in most countries in Africa, a name is not just a name. For instance, in Ethiopia the child's first name is often given by a family member and means something significant to that child. His or her second name is the father's first name and the third name would then be the paternal grandfather's first name. For this reason I felt it really important to keep a portion of our daughter's given name in Ethiopia. Plus she was old enough that she already knew her name. So we retained the same spelling of her first name and her second name from Ethiopia and then added my maiden last name as a second middle name and gave her our family's last name. The meaning of her first name in Amharic is Resurrection and she is proud to tell people her full name.

I have not decided yet what the names of our children in Rwanda will be because I want to learn their names given in Rwanda first. The whole naming thing can be a complicated one. I think it is fine if a adoptive parent chooses early the name they want for their child but I personally feel better weighing out all the factors. How old is the child? Does he or she already know their name? Who named the child? Does the meaning of his or her name have any significance to their birth story? Will the name be easily pronounced in the United States? This last one is fairly important, but there is always the option of using a "nickname" for the child as well. So I am waiting and in the meantime doing my research.

I am reading a excellent but emotional book titled "Over a Thousand Hills I Walk With You" by Hanna Jansen. Hanna is the mother of a adopted daughter who was orphaned in the Rwandan genocide. I am not sure why the daughter was not a co-author of the book and I sure hope that she is the one receiving the proceeds, but despite my concerns it really is one of the most moving recollections of survival that I have read. Primarily because it is told from the memories of a child. What she survived at her young age is truly remarkable. Then at the beginning of each chapter is a excerpt from the present, from the adoptive mother who describes her very insightful interactions with her new daughter. The whole reason I bring up the book though is because it gives a beautiful description of the importance of names in Rwanda. Here is a snippet:

"The African ones. They are your first names, you say, although they come second. The name is chosen right after the birth of a child, when the parents see it for the first time. It means something that is given to the child as a direction or as a gift to take on its way.

You say that who the baby looks like, for example, could determine the name. Or some thing that happened while the baby was still on the way. Or the first impression the baby makes on the parents.

So the second name is not a family name. It has nothing to do with relationship. That confused me a great deal in the beginning. But now I understand that your name does not have a bureaucratic use. That it is a legacy that accompanies you. Your whole life.

The first names only come later. At baptism. And from them nicknames usually."

Cash for Clunkers Babies-R-Us Style

The problem with old car seats is just that, they are old and not safe. Therefore you really cannot do anything with them, not really ethical to sell them and the thrift stores will not even take them. So what is the solution? I am glad to say that the stores Babies-R-Us and joint Toys-R-Us are offering parents a 20% off coupon good for the purchase of a select brand car sear, stroller, highchair, or crib on the same day that you bring in a old one. I am thus pleased to announce that I have disposed of my son's infant car seat as well as the matching stroller that was way to worn in and had a broken lap strap thus making it impossible to actually stap a kid into the stroller. In turn I saved $20 on a awesome folding and height adjustable Baby Trend highchair

and $40 of a Britax car seat. Yep, that's right Britax, the top rated car seats on the market are participating! Funny thing is, I have always thought it strange (and funny) that they have a car seat with fabric that looks like a cow, and who would have know, that is the seat we bought. Only because there was no other fabric option in at the store, but the more I look at it, it is growing on me. So all in all I think we got a good deal today, even if I could have sold the old items at a rummage sale, I would have never got that much money for them and I would have felt really guilty selling them. To check out the participating brands go to the store website, but you only have untill
September 20th.

Asking Yourself the Tough Questions

Being a transracial family is both extremely rewarding and also challenging. I believe that our family is blessed by our diversity. Through learning about our adoptive children's culture we have come to learn about ourselves and our world in new ways. Our son has developed a acceptance and compassion for others that is rare in most boys his age. Most importantly though our daughter is thriving. She has a zest for life that I seldom see in other children. Every new experience to her is savored and celebrated with pure excitement. Every once in awhile there are challenges as well. Some I was prepared for before our adoption and some I have experienced along the way. And so as we excitedly wait for our referral from Rwanda I am challenging myself to again ask the tough questions. Most of these issues we have not had to face, at least not yet, and it will depend on where you live. But one thing I have learned in the last 2 years is that challenges will come up whether you are prepared for them or not. If you are reading this because you are also in the process of becoming a transracial family, I challenge you as well to be prepared for the tough stuff.

1. Are you comfortable with people staring at you?
2. How will you respond when someone says a racial comment or joke in the presence of your child?
3. What will you say when someone challenges or questions in a negative way your adoption from a African country?
4. What is the appropriate response when someone comments, on how difficult it must be to take care of your daughter's hair and she is standing right beside you?
5. How will you respond when a complete stranger asks about your child's birth family?
6. How will you respond when a complete stranger asks how much your adoption cost and your adopted child is standing there?
7. What if someone (maybe the school nurse) asks if your child has HIV when they find out they are adopted from a African country?
8. How will you deal with it when your child's teacher asks them to bring baby pictures to school and your older adopted child does not have one?
9. What will you tell your child when they ask why are you white and they are brown/black/chocolate?
10. What will you tell your child to say when other kids ask him/her why he/she is a different color then his/her parents?
11. How will you support your child if they tell you that other kids at school (a mostly white school) are calling them names?
12. Do you understand what "White Privilege" means in modern America?
13. Have you accepted that in reality you cannot be "color blind" because other people will see the color of your family whether you like it or not.
14. How will you teach your adolescent, especially your male teenager who may look much older, about the safety issues specific to African Americans? (How to respond to police officers, How to approach others at night for help when your car stalls, etc.)
15. How will you teach your children about their birth country's culture as well as African American culture and history?
16. Are you comfortable going to African American events and you being the minority?
17. Have you cooked African and African American food?
18. Do you know how to care for your child's hair, skin, and special nutrition needs?
19. Do you understand the depth of grief that your child may someday experience and how will you help them and yourself through this?
20. Are you prepared for your adolescent or young adult to maybe someday reject you because of your own color and culture?

For some thought provoking discussions go to: http://www.antiracistparent.com/
For a list of gracious answers to awkward questions go to: http://library.adoption.com/articles/gracious-answers-to-awkward-questions-about-our-adopted-kids.html
For a list of links with helpful transracial parenting information go to: http://www.adopting.org/adoptions/transracial-parenting.html

Toddler Transition Tips

So I have been thinking again about what the transition will be like for our 12 month+ child when the time comes and there have also been some recent Rwanda referrals for 18 month + kidos. So I thought I would post this. It is long but maybe it will help somone out there. When I wrote it last year it was worded from our experience in Ethiopia, but it would be the same for Rwanda or perhaps any other country for that matter. Here you go:

Toddler Transition in Ethiopian Adoption
·I wrote this in response to questions about our own process and how we adjusted. Our daughter was almost 3 years old when we traveled to get her and we have since found out that she is at least 1 to 2 years older then reported (now 4-5) but I still believe that this applies to any child between ages 1 and probably 5 or so. If you are adopting a toddler here are my recommendations which I have gathered from my personal experience as a parent, a previous family therapist, and a school psychologist:

1) Be prepared for your child to reject you at some point, either at the first meeting or later when home. He or she may develop a preference for one parent and completely reject the other. Remember that this is totally normal and a “survival strategy” from yoru child's perspective.

2) Focus on "bonding" with your child and don't get wrapped up in the "attachment" stuff. I say bonding because really this is what is happening in the initial months together. You can't even look at "attachment" for many months down the road. It takes a typical biological child 10 months to show signs of "attachment". Attachment occurs over repeated and consistent interactions. I heard families talking about “attaching” to their child while in Ethiopia. No one becomes attached to someone else, especially a child who has experience loss, in a week. At best in the few months home your child will experience what is described as a “insecure attachment” to you. This is when they are afraid to be out of your sight, which is not a good thing either, but part of the process.

3) Go to country with a set of activities in mind to do with your child to facilitate the "bonding" process. Bubbles are great. Take stickers and put them on your nose to facilitate eye contact. Play peek-a-bo, alot. Make hand prints on black tag board with lotion. Play the lotion "slip" game where you grab hands and slip away from each other. Many other simple ideas can be found in the Theraplay book. It is for play therapists who do attachment therapy but based on simple activities that many parents do naturally with infants. It is not rocket science and you don’t need to be a therapist to do these natural activities with your child! Many older children still need this "baby type" play games with you to relive those missed early stages of development.

4) Bring a picture book of EVERYTHING with you, include each room of your house, the pets, other children, anything that may be unfamiliar to him or her.

5) Be prepared for the immense difficulty of the language barrier. We found it to be more of a problem with her understanding transitions and routines. So "picture schedules" were helpful. She learned English quickly and then we seemed to hit a road block around 9 months home when she had adjusted and we realized that she was older but her English language development had not yet caught up to her non-verbal IQ. I think kids have a lot of tantrums that may be perceived as “grief” when in reality they are darn frustrated because they cannot express themselves verbally to you and there is a lot of miscommunication going on.

6) Carry your child as long as you can. I brought a sling and put her in it. She loved being carried in it and it really helped with trust and bonding. I also felt better with her in it and on me when in the van in Ethiopia (they have no seatbelts). I used it in public the first few months home and still even now put her in it when she is distraught and needs that security.

7) Expect that at some point you may experience hitting, kicking, pinching, biting, screaming, throwing. This might be fatigue, it might be grief, it might be pure rage, or frustration and fear. Our daughter bit my husband on the airplane home and just recently said to me “mommy I was scared on the airplane because I thought we were going to fall down”. Wow that realization of her awareness hit me like a brick.

8) Safety proof the house as much as possible before you come home. They may not have had experience with hot stoves, outlets, hot water, streets, etc.

9) Keep the rules and limits loose at first and then get tighter as time goes on and he or she gets used to having limits.

10) Use choices, give two choices, if he or she does not choose you choose and ride out any subsequent tantrum. This worked great for my daughter’s issues with clothes, she would want to pick out her own outfits but would get really overwhelmed by all the choices. Same for food and really anything else.

11) Expect that your toddler may be overly clingy or overly independent or go back and forth. Find a happy medium until the trust is built.

12) Expect possible sensory issues. Certain sounds, lights, smells, types of touch may trigger tantrums which seem out of the ordinary.

13) When you toddler experiences something new, he or she may have a tantrum when it is time to end or give it back. This happened with us when it was time to get out of the bathtub!

14) Don't expect that your child will let you know when he or she is hurt. Make it a point to overly respond with affection every time she or he gets a bump or scratch. That way he or she learns that you will respond and care.

15) Don't let his or her feet touch the ground in public until you know he or she will stay by your side. They may have no fear of the street, of getting lost, or being stolen. We put one of those leash/backpack animals on our daughter’s back. Thankfully she thought it was funny and we know that she could not run from us. Who care what other people think.

16) Don’t trust your child around a swimming pool. Our daughter was a fish but did not know how to swim and had NO fear of water. I would drop her to touch the bottom and then pull her up right away so that she would realize how deep it was.

17) Prepare for sleeping problems and what seemes like irrational fears from your child. They will be in a state of hypervigilence and you will need to be there to urn his or her trust. We let our daughter sleep in our bed for the first month, then moved her to a seperate bed in our room, then a few months later moved her into her own room. Many of these kids have never slept in a bedroom alone in their life. Nightmares and night terrors were very common the first few months home.

18) (Specific to Ethiopia) Know that do to various reasons you child may be older then reported. This is really because of a combination of things, not being born in a hospital, differences in calendar (Ethiopia is 7 years behind), children looking younger due to malnutrition, and they do not celebrate birthdays in Ethiopia. After a few months home, if you have a questions about it, get a development assessment to look at fine and gross motor skills. A bone-scan may help but may not be accurate due to malnutrition. If you have access to a child psychologist a non-verbal IQ test may help get you in the ballpark of understanding what your child know without the interference of the language issue. Most importantly get a full set of x-rays at the dentist and this will show what teeth are coming in. Our first substantial data to show that our daughter was older came from the dentist.

19) At home you may notice that your child does not seem to know how to play with toys or do simple activities. Our daughter could not put togethers simple puzzles. This is usually because they just have not had access to many toys. Give it time and play with your child to show them how to use things.

20) Lastly know that things might get easier and then harder again and your child progresses through his or her fears and development. Our daughter started having sleeping problems again around 9 months home after the grandparents came to stay at our house and we went out for one evening. It seemed to trigger lots of fear around the same time that we had started to see signs of separation anxiety (A sure tell sign that you are now in fact “attached”).

The Burning Birthdate Debate

One of the dilemmas that some adoptive parents face is whether or not the reported birth date of your child is accurate. This has become a common occurrence in older children adopted from Ethiopia for several reasons. First of their calendar is actually 7 years behind ours, they do not celebrate birthdays in Ethiopia, and if a child is born at home in a rural area there is no registration system thus no birth certificate created at the time of birth. We learned about all of this the hard way, through experience.

We were told that our daughter was born June 2005, but immediately upon meeting her, when we traveled one year ago this month, I noticed that she seemed older. It also seemed strange to me that in Ethiopia they had moved her from the toddler care center to the school-age care center and had started her in school. We were told that she was still older 2 at that time so I was shocked! When I asked they said it was because she was doing so well that they moved her up.

Upon arriving home we gave her several months to settle in and watch for physical growth. We started her in preschool with other 3 year old children a few months into being home because she wanted to go to school. This last summer she started growing very fast in height and I started to think it was strange that we knew she was very malnourished yet she was above the 90th percentile in height for a 3 year old. I am a school psych so it helped that I knew what to watch for as far as development. One day this fall she brought home a picture from preschool that was perfectly colored in, I mean every tiny detail. My thought was “that is not normal for a 3 year old!”. BUT her pediatrician who had never seen a child adopted from Ethiopia before kept saying that her age was not that far off. Then we started to have a lot of tantrums which I now know were related to her being really frustrated. Finally when she had dental surgery the pediatric dentist came out and said "do you know her two bottom teeth are loose" she estimated that Tensae was at least one year old maybe 2. So I gave her an informal IQ test because I needed to know what was going on with my daughter! I say informal because I know that the results are not 100% accurate as I am of course her mother. I was immediately shocked by how well she did on the non-verbal items. Her nonverbal IQ placed her well within the 5 year old range of intelligence. What made me realize how frustrated she must be is that her verbal ability was still only in the 3 year range. Keep in mind that any testing involving English vocabulary would not be an accurate measure of her intelligence because she had only been speaking English for 10 months at the time. But it is truly amazing to me that she had obtained an English vocabulary in 10 months equivalent to a three year old child!

So I had finally had enough waiting and I talked to her preschool teacher. She felt 100% that Tensae would be ready for kindergarten next year, that she is advanced in her class of 3 year olds and she fits in very well with the 4 and 5 year olds who are going to kindergarten next year. I expressed my concerns again to her pediatrician. He ordered a bone-age scan which showed that she was in the 4 year age range which again he did not think was that far off and it was not worth changing her age. I disagreed because the bone-age scans were normed on average white kids in the 1950’s. If she was severely malnourished of-course her growth would be behind! So I requested a referral from her pediatrician to the International Adoption Clinic at the Denver Children's Hospital. It was a hassle getting the appointment scheduled because you need to clear it by insurance first (and not all insurance companies will pay for it). When you have a developmental evaluation with IAC they have an occupational therapist, a physical therapist, a physician, and a psychologist all there to assess your child. I voiced my concern about the age and they all watched her and said oh yes, I think you are right. So they tested her and she came out with the fine motor skills of a 6 year old and the gross motor skills of a 5 year old. They recommended keeping her reported birth date and changing the year by one to make her 4. I agreed and got the paperwork ready to send to court.

Then a month later I was brushing her teeth and there was a 6 year molar in the top of her mouth! So I called the dentist again, and she said “children never get molars before age 5, I am confident she is between the age of 5 and 6”. So here we go again I called the doc at IAC to discuss it and request a new letter with a new birth date recommendation. I talked it over with my husband and we agreed to move her birth date from 6/28/05 to 9/28/03. This way she may still be the same age as some of the children in her kindergarten class next year but we are at least being as honest as we can with her about her age. This would make her currently 5 years and 4 months of age. Yes, we could have left it alone in the first place but she is so smart it would not be fair for her not to start school next year and I sure don’t want a little girl in 4th grade starting to menstruate!

So all of this has put paperwork on hold for us. I will have to send a general motion to the court to the same judge to approved her adoption revalidation in Colorado asking him to order the office of vital records to change the date on her birth certificate. If anyone in CO needs the court form you can find it at: http://www.courts.state.co.us/Forms/PDF/jdf76.pdfThen we will need to request them to create a new birth certificate and get new copies. There is no charge for the motion to the court but there will be for the new bc to be created. I have waited to get her passport and certificate of citizenship because I want to have the correct birth date. I was told it is nearly impossible to get a birth date changed on the passport or certificate of citizenship. We are also waiting to get her US social security number and will have to fight with them when we do to get the birth date changed because we already have an alien status social security number. Uhhg! There is a really great article by Dr. Jane Aronson (The Orphan Doctor) titled The Conundrum of Age Assignment for Children Adopted from Abroad. She recommends waiting 2 years after arrival home to get the age question answered. That is all great but as I just said getting birth dates changed on paperwork is not so easy and neither will most school districts let kids start school without a birth certificate showing that they are age 5 prior to September 1st! Expert medical advice is great but then there is also the real world that we live in as adoptive parents.
Here is a link to her article: http://www.orphandoctor.com/medical/commondiseases/developmental/conundrum.html