Not This Week

As you look into their faces

Wondering who each one will become

One by one you refer them

To become someone's daughter or son
I wonder

Can you hear a mother's cry

Far across the ocean wide

Until the day she comes to know

When she can bring her dear one home?
You feed, you wipe, you dress them

With tender loving care

Knowing someone, somewhere wants them

And soon they will be there.

I wonder

Can you hear a mother's cry

Far across the ocean wide

Until the day she comes to know

When she can bring her dear one home?
Hearing each case before you

You know there'll be more to come

Children needing families

And parents little ones.

I wonder

Can you hear a mother's cry

Far across the ocean wide

Until the day she comes to know

When she can bring her dear one home?
The wait is long and tiring

But in faith and hope I press on.

Soon our prayers will be answered

And the waiting tears will be gone.

I wonder

Can they hear this mother's cry

Far across the ocean wide

Until the day I come to know

That I can bring my dear one home.

Michele Cervone Scott© 2005

Order some great coffee!

Our "Just Love Coffee" store is open for business. Just Love Coffee is a umbrella business started by a adoptive family to help other adoptive families. The best part is that all of the coffee products are free trade and fair priced. They carry Ethiopia and Rwanda coffee as well as a Africa blend (most likely coffees from various East African sources). We receive a portion of the proceeds from each bag sold from our store. We will in turn utilize our profits to support our adoption as well as to continue supporting humanitarian efforts in Rwanda. I have added a gadget to visit our store at the top of the blog or you can access the URL at: http://www.justlovecoffee.com/AfricaInOurHearts

Snow Days!

Yes, we have been granted not just one but two snow days in October! I knew that there was a snow storm headed our way when I left work on Tuesday but I was surprised to receive a very early phone call this morning that the school district that both my husband and I work for had cancelled school. Our kids still had school today at their schools but all of us have been granted another day off tomorrow. Honestly we have been so heavily affected by the H1N1 flu in our area of CO that I think this is a big relief to many teachers and parents to get a few days to catch up on some rest and to stay safe and warm. As far as we go this has been such a emotional roller coaster of a week as we await our referral that I am so grateful to have a few days to "nest" at home. I think playing in the snow, drinking cocoa, and baking cookies will definitely be on the agenda tomorrow! I have not loaded our snow pics yet so here are some cool ones from the news.

"My Love Goes With You"

This waiting is breaking my heart. It's been 10 months since we started the paperwork for our second adoption, over 6 months since our dossier was complete; and 11 weeks, 76 days, and 1,824 hours since we have been awaiting our referral. I knew that the timeline would be unpredictable but it does not make the wait any easier. Here is one of my favorite songs that reminds me of my kidos who are waiting on the other side of the world. Yes, it sounds better when you hear it but like the words of this song, I hope that they are able to feel our love. They are in my thoughts in the morning, when I check my email for updates throughout the day, when I tuck my kids into bed and look at the empty crib, when I fall asleep and while I am sleeping I dream about them.

Lyrics to "My Love Goes With You" by Mishka

If there was one song that I could sing to help you through each and everyday
I would sing a song to remind you that were only ever living for today
My love goes with you yeah, in all that you do
My love goes with you yeah in all decision that you make.
Well sometimes we get so tired of the struggle when we seem as if there’s no way out
Umm so caught up in desire and so hot that you no fire and your lost in doubt
My love goes with you yeah in all that you do
My loves goes with you yeah in all decisions that you make
In every book your reading and every glass of water your drinking
In every breath your breathing and every little thought that your thinking
I hope that you can find a little free time for yourself
Yeah I hope that you can find a little music after your own heart.
Cause my love goes with you yeah in all that you do
Umm I hope that you can find your balance between the mystic and mundane
I hope that you can navigate your way between the sacred and profane
Yes I hope that you can find your vision between the sunshine and the rain
That when you find your truth within and when you do it doesn’t cause you too much pain
Cause my love goes with you
My love goes with you
My love goes with you
My love goes with you
Yeah you know I get so concern and I wonder how your gonna make it
If I cant be there for you all the time how you gonna take it
Well then I don’t worry no cause my love is strong
Then I don’t worry no no no my love for you is on and on and on
And my love goes with you, with all that you do
My loves goes with you in all decisions that you make
My love goes with you in everywhere you go
My love goes with you
My love goes with you
Yeah ooooooooooh

Diapers and Dreams

I have made a huge decision. I am now committed to going with cloth diapers. Not only are they better for the environment but also better for our kidos bottoms. So I have been investigating and asking around and have come up with three options that we will use depending on what we are up to and what the diaper situation is. All three options are definitely not what would be considered traditional cloth diapering. The first and closest to what people think of as cloth diapers are 6-ply prefold cloth diapers which I will cover with diaper covers. These are very absorbent.
The second system will be the Bumgenius All-in-One One size fits all cloth diapers. These come with inserts that are removed and washed and very easy to use.

The third system will be the G-Diapers which are not entirely cloth, as they utilize a absorbent insert which is fully biodegradable and flushable. They will come in handy when we are out and about.
So of course I had to explain all of this to my husband and funny thing he woke up this morning and told me that he had a vivid dream that we had four children, with the youngest being our little ones from Rwanda. They were a boy and a girl, both younger then we expected and of course we ran out of diapers. I must have concerned him with all this diaper talk!

"What Does a Orphanage Look Like?"

My very empathic son wanted to know what the orphanage in Rwanda looked like. I did my best to explain what I have read but pictures really describe it a whole lot better. So I searched and found another video with what appear to be several pictures of the Home of Hope Orphanage run by the Sisters of Calcutta (different then the Home of Hope Orphanages with locations throughout the world and funded out of Canada). Based on what I have seen from other sources I believe that the pictures with the blue cribs, tables, and walls are from the Home of Hope Orphanage where are children are waiting. Hard for me to watch right now.

Why the Wait is So Hard

I received confirmation today that the referral information for the 12 families who are being matched with children is at the Minister of Gender and Family Promotion's office. This is definately good news. The indication was that the referrals will be coming soon however the Minister does need to look over each file and approve the matches before they are sent. I understand that this is part of the new adoption procedures in Rwanda and it is a important safeguard thus I respect the process. At the same time, as a mother, I am disheartened that we do not know how much longer our children will be waiting for their forever family.

I know the nuns do their best at the orphanage so don't get me wrong. But they know just as we do that caring for a dozen infants 24 hours a day is not adequate. This is one of those situations that because of my profession I know to darn much. I know what the potential impacts on brain development are. I also know the amazing things that can happen when children are placed with loving, knowledgable and structured homes. One of the professionals I always look to for information on the impact of neglect on children is Dr. Bruce Perry. Dr. Perry grew up in my same hometown, Bismark ND (thus I may be impartial!), he holds dual PhD and MD degrees and is a psychiatrist who has devoted his work to understanding and helping children who have experienced neglect and trauma. If you ever get the chance to hear him speak he is easy to understand and pulls together a understanding of neurodevelopment and trauma that makes complete sense as to why children display the behaviors that they do and how we can help them heal. To get a glimpse into what I have learned and experienced with the kids I work with check out these articles and his website. Some of the information is scholarly and some more article like:

http://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/focus/earlybrain/earlybraina.cfm

http://www2.scholastic.com/browse/article.jsp?id=4036&FullBreadCrumb=%3Ca+href%3D%22http%3A%2F%2Fwww2.scholastic.com%2Fbrowse%2Fsearch%2F%3Fquery%3DImpact%2Bon%2BNeglect%2Bon%2BChildren%26Ntt%3DImpact%2Bon%2BNeglect%2Bon%2BChildren%26Ntk%3DSCHL30_SI%26Ntx%3Dmode%2Bmatchallpartial%26N%3D0%26_N%3Dfff%22+class%3D%22endecaAll%22%3EAll+Results%3C%2Fa%3E

http://www.childtrauma.org/ctamaterials/MindBrain.pdf

http://teacher.scholastic.com/professional/bruceperry/bonding_help.htm#author

http://www.childtrauma.org/default.asp

WORAP?

What is WORAP? Waiting on referral adoption psychosis:-) Funny, huh? I have to admit I did not come up with the term, I found it on a forum for our homestudy adoption agency. It is of course not a REAL mental health diagnosis, however, I will add to the humor by specifying some symptoms:

Waiting on Referral Adoption Psychosis (WORAP):

• The presence of a uncontrollable urge to check your email, blog list, and voicemail every 5 seconds for fear that you may miss some important piece of information.
• An irrational belief that you have messed up some paperwork and the whole adoption process will fall apart at any moment.
• A strange sense of all consuming grief every time you see a infant or pregnant mother.
• Your body has a mind of it's own when you enter a store and find yourself in the baby and toy sections.
• You experience psychosomatic pregnancy symptoms including emotional spirals, cravings, fatigue, headache, and stomach ache.
• You nest by creating a list in your head of every tiny possible thing that must be done in the house before your children come home.
• When you call your insurance company or human resources about adoption benefits they have no idea what they are getting into because you are prepared to battle.

Good and Bad News

Well some good and bad news has been spread throughout bloggerland. There is a large batch of families waiting on referrals in Rwanda, 12 total and those matches have reportedly been made by the nuns at the orphanage and medical testing has been completed. This actually is really great news! The 12 families represent a variety of independant and agency assisted adoptions. The bummer is that it must have taken awhile to collect all the necessary referral information for this many families because it is just going to the Ministry's office this week. By report the head nun at Home of Hope Orphanage will be meeting with the person in charge of adoptions at the Minister of Gender and Family Promotion this Friday. Please note that I am obtaining this information third party from:http://dorbandsonajourney.blogspot.com/
The new adoption rules in Rwanda state that the Minister's office must coordinate and approve all matches between children and adoptive families. If all is well and the Ministry's office approves the matches then at the earliest we will hear something sometime next week. If for some reason our match would not be approved then the whole process would need to be repeated. I think a safe estimate is that we will have our approval by the end of the month.

Well Said: "Why Wouldn't I?"

Staying Connected Internationally

When we travel we plan to bring our 8 year old son with, while our 6 year old daughter will be staying at our house with grandma and grandpa (I will blog about this decision another time because I know it is one that many families face). Thus it is REALLY important to me that we are able to stay connected no matter where we are. There are about three good options for calling home while out of country. When we were in Ethiopia we had cell phone service with T-Mobile. Since most of their phones are global ready we just called T-Mobile before we traveled and had them flip a invisible switch to make our phones capable of calls internationally. So this is option number 1 and we used this as our back-up plan because the charges were upwards of $3 a minute. Thankfully the CHSFS guesthouse that we were staying at had a computer with internet access so we emailed home updates every day. They also provided calling option number 2, which was unlocked international cell phones for which we purchased SIM cards in Addis Ababa and used those to call home (just like a calling card in the US). The SIM cards were way cheaper and I think came out to something like a dollar a minute. So I have been going over our options this time because I am not sure that we will be at a hotel or guesthouse in Rwanda and Ethiopia which will have these things readily available. We have also been looking at getting new cell phones and switching our provider (long story and it made me crazy going over all the options for phones and plans with all the different providers). We have settled on the Samsung Solstice with AT&T. You can get the phone for free if you start a new AT&T plan through Amazon.com (I know, I know you would think I am a rep for them). We decided on this phone because it is global and web ready, has a camera and video camera and decent battery life. Plus the unlimited data plan is only $15 a month compared to $30 for the I-Pod or Blackberry. O.k. so back to the point, the cell phone will actually again be our back-up plan as At&T charges $2.50 a minute for calls from Rwanda and $3.50 a minute for calls from Ethiopia. We also will not use the data service on our phone when in Africa because international rates for data are astounding. If you own a I-Pod or other smart cell phone they recommend that you temporary disable the internet service so that you do not get charged. BUT, if you have a cell phone or netbook that has WIFi service then you can use the internet for free if you are at a WiFi hot spot such as at the airport, some hotels, and coffee shops. So I found a great deal on a mini Acer Netbook which we will be able to obtain Internet connection when at hot spots and the kids can watch movies on it. But back to making cheap calls, we are keeping our old cell phones and getting them "unlocked" so that we will be able to buy SIM cards while in Rwanda and Ethiopia to make cheap calls home every day. The 3rd option for calling cheaply is if you do have a I-Phone or a Windows capable cell phone then you can get SKYPE.

News of No News

Well I had really hoped that we would hear something this week, but no news, nothing, nada. I am going through so many emotions and thoughts I am not sure where to begin. I remember when I was pregnant with my son, at least I had a due date, at least I could feel him kicking and squirming inside of me. I knew that he was safe and sound. And so I wait not knowing the status of my children; who they are, if they are healthy, sad or happy. The wait did not seem as hard when we were adopting from Ethiopia, mainly because we were expecting a long wait for referral for our daughter, and we were surprised when her referral came really fast. It just proves that there are no guarantees in adoption, but I do believe that things work out the way they do for a reason.

While We Wait

We have been filling in the time by reading as much as we can to learn about Rwanda so that we can not only be educated when we visit this beautiful country but also so that we can teach our children about their birth country. We felt is very important to read specifically about the genocide from the viewpoint of those who were directly impacted. I do warn you the stories in these books are very difficult to read but also very important to try and understand something that we will as outsiders never be able to fully grasp. But we also wanted to read about Rwanda as a country apart from the genocide, to learn about Rwanda's rich heritage and culture, hence the first three books listed here. I would highly recommend them for cultural information. Amazingly most of these books we were able to check out from our local library. So here is a sample of the books we have read, or are in process of reading, specific to Rwanda:

Culture and Customs of Rwanda

Rwanda, 3rd: The Bradt Travel Guide

Land of a Thousand Hills: My Life in Rwanda

Over a Thousand Hills I Walk With You

The Bishop of Rwanda

Left to Tell: Discovering God Amidst the Rwandan Holocaust

We Wish to Inform You that Tomorrow We Will be Killed With Our Families: Stories from Rwanda

Shake Hands with the Devil: The Failure of Humanity in Rwanda

If you cannot get them from your library (try inter-library loan) all of them are also available on Amazon.com (http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=Rwanda+&x=0&y=0ld-keywords=Rwanda+&x=0&y=0)

Frustrations and Blessings

Last week I was frustrated. Frustrated by so many things. But mostly irritated by a bit of news from my employer that did not sit so well with me. There is a law in Colorado that any employer leave or benefits offered to birth parents and infants must be equally matched for adoptive parents and adopted children. So I was a bit taken aback to learn that there is a non-written practice among my (unnamed) employer that birth mothers are "automatically" granted paid leave from the sick-leave bank because childbirth is considered a major health event. However, when I inquired about adoption and the needs of our potential adopted children I was told very generally that I could obtain a letter from a doctor stating what my child's major medical need was and that the committee would consider my request. O.k. that just does not feel right, does it? The "committee" could turn down my request for whatever reason, yet if I was giving birth it would automatically qualify? Unfortunately it seems this is not technically breaking a law because there is nothing on paper saying that birth mothers are automatically granted leave from the sick leave bank. Uhg. Perhaps we are still living in the dark ages in some parts of this country. The sad thing is that I am not completely surprised by this news and so I was already prepared to be taking unpaid leave. But come on, how can you tell a adoptive parent, whether they be adopting a domestic infant or a international toddler that it is perfectly fine to drop that kid off in daycare and go back to work ASAP. I don't think so!

So I can't say enough what a blessing it was to have two surprises this weekend. First, I was introduced via email to a new family in our same town who is interested in adopting from Rwanda. They have some other things to take care of first but they are eager to help the orphanage so she emailed me to let me know that they have a ton of donations for us to take with. Wow, what great news to end a frustrating week! Then we received a very large monetary donation from a family member to support our adoption expenses. This sum will cover nearly all of our travel expenses and give us some cushion for me to take as much leave from work (maybe unpaid given what I just vented about) as I need to love these kids and to catch up on all the time I have missed with them. On most days I love my job, I am glad that I have devoted my career to helping children, but honestly right now I am REALLY looking forward to devoting my time to two more little ones in my own house.

Bad for the Today Show!

Not sure if any of you have heard, read, or seen this story. http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/33089578/ns/today-parenting_and_family
It is about a adoptive mother who had 5 biological children then adopted a infant from South America, then relinquished her rights to the boy after only 18 months. In the Today Show interview she says that "It went both ways." In other words the child was not bonding with her.

So as a adoptive mother AND a child mental health professional here are my immediate thoughts:
1)How can you possibly blame a infant for not bonding with you?
2) You just cannot parent a adoptive child the same as your biological child.
3) Did she miss the education piece that adoption is not easy and not all roses?
4) What part of her did not understand that adoption is permanent, as in forever. She did not give away her biological children now did she?
5) Maybe adopting a 6th child when your husband is gone for long periods in the military is not such a good idea.
6) What was her reason for adopting anyways? That one question can often answer a lot when problems arise.

So maybe I am being to hard on her, maybe I would feel differently if I was her therapist. But it should not be about her, she will be fine, it should be about the child! O.k. so maybe it was best for the child to go to a new home where he could actually get the love and care that he needs rather then be messed up for the rest of his life. But come on, adoption is FOREVER. No child is perfect and we don't just give them away when there are problems (or at least in healthy functioning families we don't). So what irritates me most about this story are the statements made by Today Show Correspondent Natalie Morales. http://allday.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2009/10/01/2083993.aspx?p=1

Here is what she says:
"No matter how you feel about Anita's decision to terminate her adoption, her story is one almost every mother can relate to on some level. That’s because this is not necessarily about terminating an adoption as it is a story of a woman coming to terms with her emotions and accepting the fact she couldn't be the kind of mom she thought she would be to her adopted child. As much as we all like to think we can do it all, we’ve all had that humbling moment – or many humbling moments -- when we must recognize our own limitations. When was the last time you felt like you weren't a good enough parent? How often have you asked if you are doing the right thing, whether in loving or disciplining your child?"

Are you kidding me Natalie?! Yeah we all have those moments, there is no perfect parent and way to much is expected out of us as mothers in the US. But come on, I can in no way relate to Anita's story because she did not just question her parenting ability, she also blamed the child for not bonding with her and then gave him away. Gave away a child who already had come to her with loss and grief and trauma. I can sympathize with birth parents who relinquish their children for adoption as infants because they know they cannot provide what the child needs. They are making a selfless and loving decision. But to be a middle-class mother who has 5 birth children, then adopt a child because you think you can save the world and have a big family at the same time and do it on your own since your husband is in the military. Then you give the kid back when it is not the dream that you thought it would be? Nope I cannot related to Anita's story, not as a birth mother, not as a adoptive mother, not as a Marriage and Family Therapist, and not as a Psychologist.

Just a warning, if you do go to the Today Show link, the comments made by some people are out right negative and nasty towards adopted children. One of the first comments is about how a person thinks that a certain set of children should never have been permitted to be adopted. Wow, maybe she should never have been permitted to grow up with a family in a home? Uhg, I should just stop now.

Natalie Morales is now at the top of my list for worst correspondent.

Ergo!

I found a used Ergo Carrier in good condition and the nice mother who I bought it from was willing to negotiate on the price, plus when I told her we were adopting she threw in some boys clothes and cloth diapers. What a deal! When I got home I tried it out with my daughter and yes it actually holds a 40 pound, just turned 6, little girl! And even at that weight it is amazingly comfortable, I can't even carry her in our frame backpack but in the Ergo her weight is evenly distributed on my hips. She thought it was great and immediately wanted to go to sleep on my back. Of course I did not buy it for her, but hey what a awesome bonding activity. For anyone adopting a toddler or bigger infant, I would highly recommend a Ergo Baby Carrier!