Emotions

Our paperwork has been in Rwanda for two weeks and already it feels like forever, although I certainly know from past experience that two weeks is a drop in the bucket. As I was admiring a coworker who is several months pregnant, it struck me yesterday just how different and the same the adoption experience is from the pregnancy experience. I have been through both so I have found myself making comparisons without even realizing it. I would say that certainly both experiences brought on a rollercoaster of emotions. On the one hand it is a little more reassuring to know that your child is inside of you growing. You are right there to feel the kicks and turns, and this was certainly the case with my son who was a very busy and BIG baby. I knew every minute that he was there and o.k. BUT there are certainly unknowns with pregnancy and I was just as filled with fear that something would go wrong. Would he be o.k., would the labor be o.k., what if I did something wrong? The what, if, and how’s can become overwhelming at times. And so it also is with the adoption experience. I don't know if my future child/children are o.k. or what their needs are and I have no way of "checking in" on them. So in some ways it is the same, whether pregnancy or adoption, there are no guarantees and my love for my children is overwhelmingly the same. I have not met my next child/children but I already would do anything within my power to take care of them. What is different is the invisibility of the experience. I work with a teacher who is expecting and just started showing. Now everyone knows she is pregnant and they all know what to expect and when. But when I tell people I am adopting they don't really know what to say and of course at this point I don't know when, how, or who. And so I wait and I go through the emotions and preparation on a more silent scale but no less important or powerful then a visible pregnancy.