Dark Times

As you can see I have not posted in awhile now. I have been debating on wether to talk about these things or not but I think I need to. I need to talk about it to remind myself that I am not alone and to remind others in similar circumstances that they are not alone. There are several things that we are dealing with in our family right now. The first shock came several weeks ago when my husband was informed that his Science teaching position would no longer exist next year. He was one of 17 teachers to loose his job at the high school that he works at in a Denver Metro school district. But that is just the start, school districts across CO are laying off hundreds of teachers each, due to drastic budget cuts that the state put in place. What this is going to mean for our school systems I don't know yet. For sure there are going to be larger class sizes and fewer resources to go around a already stressed system. So if the stress of your spouse loosing his job is not enough I also learned that I would be experiencing my 6th miscarriage.

Miscarriage. It is a word that still does not roll easily off of my tongue and not something that I openly talk about very often. My first pregnancy was a early miscarriage, we lost the baby at around 8 weeks for no apparant reason. I was shocked and all the doctor's told me was that it was common for first pregnancies (and now based on how many women I have talked to who have experienced this I agree). Then came pregnancy #2 and I tried to do everything right and the same scenario. Another baby lost at around 7 to 8 weeks gestation. Then came my son, the miracle that neither I nor the doctor's will every understand. I did everyhting the same for him as the others, took the vitamins and progesterone supplements and 9 months later we had a plump 9 pound 12 ounce boy full of life and energy. So of course I thought that I would not have any problems carrying babies after that. Because of graduate school we did not try again untill I was now in my 30s. I was devasted when I went in for my first ultrasound for pregnancy number 4 and at 6 weeks gestation there was no fetal development. And so I learned the definition of a blighted ovum. About one more year later another blighted ovum and then another. So when I got pregnant this last time I really did not have high expectations but there is always that hope that if my son made it into this world then maybe there is one more just waiting to have his or her chance. Blood tests showed that my HCG levels were low but at 6 weeks gestation the ultrasound tech was excited with me to see a fetal pole and a strong beating heartbeat. I went back two weeks later and that little heartbeat had fell silent. Now I cannot even begin to describe what that feels like to see your child's hear beating and then just like that it is gone, gone forever. All those hopes and dreams for what our family was going to look like next gone in a second.

I have spent the last few weeks doing a lot of sitting by myself and having some one-way conversations with God. To many involve the same thing, why, why, why me?! What did I do wrong? I have felt sad, angry, and at times strangely numb and apathetic. It did not really help that I had to go back to work at around this time. And that is something I am good at, good at doing my job and shoveing my feelings deep inside as if there is nothing wrong. Of course I have not received the answers to my questions. I want to know things. I want to know when does the soul enter the body. If it is when that heart starts beating then I sure hope that my babies get a second chance at experiencing this magnificant world. One thing I do know is that as hard as this is I am learning lessons every time. Reminders that life is not meant to be easy, there will be trials and tribulations and we do not get to choose what those things will be. All we can do is make the best out of the circumstances and the resources that we have. And certainly I am blessed. I find comfort in knowing that I have three beautiful children and I love them all the same, no matter how they entered into my world. I am blessed that I have a husband who would do anything for me and has made sacrifices during his own time of stress to take care of me. I am blessed that I have a understanding extended family. And I am blessed by my friends and church family who have stepped in to assist us in the last week when I have had some related medical issues (2 very expensive trips to the ER in one week and a spinal headache that I cannot even describe the pain on top of missed work without pay). I need to continue to take time for my body, my heart, and my soul to heal but I know that there is a plan for my life. We had already intended on adopting again so that our daughter would have a baby sister. When and were that will take place I don't yet know for sure but I definately feel that it is what we are meant to do out of this loss.